As a devoted hypochondriac I have been the proverbial nervous wreck during this COVID-19 pandemic, and some of the things I do to avoid getting the virus drive my poor wife crazy. For example, if we absolutely have to go out in the car, I wear a mask, and take one of my large containers of Lysol. (I bought 200 cans of it from Amazon when the virus first hit.) I like to drive with the window down, and so I steer with my right hand and spray a steady stream of Lysol out the window with my left. This way the disinfectant constantly blows back into my face so that I’m always breathing uncontaminated air. Yes I know the virus is not supposed to be carried on the air, but one can never be too careful. And what if I pass a motorist who happens sneeze to out the window just as I happen by?
BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT INJECTING MYSELF WITH ANY TYPE OF CLEANING FLUID OR DISINFECTANT.
Although she tolerates the Lysol-out-the-window bit, my wife did draw the line the other day when she caught me dumping a bag of groceries into the washing machine. I argued that each item had its own wrapper, and thus this was much quicker than wiping down things separately. She ultimately persuaded me not to push the “heavy wash” cycle button when she pointed out that the wash agitator probably would crush the eggs and that an egg and Tide omelet didn’t sound particularly appetizing. She also perceptively noted that the spin cycle would sap all the juice out of the English roast of beef. Oh well, you win some, and you lose some.
Opening Up?
In addition to perpetuating an obsession for cleanliness, this pandemic has elicited some unusual behavior that borders on insanity. One of the main things we are supposed to be doing in order to get a harness on this damn virus is practice social distancing – stay at least six feet away from other people at all times. So what do we see coming out of Virginia, Michigan, and Minnesota, but pictures of people protesting the stay-at-home orders, and in doing so they were not practicing social distancing. And who was cheering on these protesters via tweets calling for the liberation of those states? President Donald Trump, whose guidelines called for social distancing.
And an example of what I consider terminal stupidity occurred last week in Georgia, where Gov. Brian Kemp said he was partially reopening the state by allowing bowling alleys, fitness centers, tattoo parlors, barbers, hairstyling salons, and massage therapy places to open their doors again. Can you imagine getting a haircut in a barbershop practicing social distancing? I can foresee all manner of horrible accidents occurring while the barbers attempt to master using six-foot long scissors. And just picture the needles tattoo artists would have to use! Merely thinking about them gives me chills.
Now Georgia also has several large amusement parks, but I didn’t see anything about whether or not they would be open. Just think how hard it would be to practice social distancing there. Roller coasters would have one person to a car, and couples wishing to go into the tunnel of love would have to enter one at a time. And wouldn’t it be fun to ride the bumper cars without being able to run into anyone?
Incidentally, at this writing the state of Georgia had more than 21,491 confirmed cases of COVID-19 on a steadily increasing rate. With those statistics in mind, it’s difficult to understand Kemp’s desire to begin reopening his state.
The Beach?
Here’s just one more question to ponder: How in the hell do you practice social distancing on a beach? Here’s how. The beaches are open at only certain hours of the day, and the lifeguards will be responsible for enforcing various guidelines that include no coolers, chairs, blankets, towels, or grills. It’s okay to swim and surf, but sunbathing is prohibited. This means that I can go in and bounce around in the ocean, but when I come out, I won’t be allowed to eat or drink anything, I’ll have no place to sit down, and the sun and wind will need to dry me off. Doesn’t sound like much of a day at the beach to me, but the clips I’ve seen on the news showed beaches without much evidence of social distancing.
From what I’ve read, a number of people in Georgia think returning to work this soon is a bad idea. On the other hand, the protesters and beachgoers don’t seem to care about potentially exacerbating the spread of COVID-19 by ignoring social distancing.
The more I read, hear, and see, the more I wonder whether I’m one of the few (including my family and a handful of friends) people of sound mind left in the world or whether everyone else has more fun throwing caution to the wind. (Sorry for the cliché, but it really fit there.) I’ve never been much of a protester, and although I’ve had a lifelong love affair with the beach, I wouldn’t go near one right now. Instead I’ll opt to stay home until I can be damn sure it’s safe to leave, and I’ll keep always at my side my faithful companion – a can of Lysol.
Stay home. Wash your hands. Don’t touch your face. If you absolutely must go out in public, wear a mask and practice social distancing.
And stay well!
