(Publisher’s Note: 2020 was a difficult year for everyone thanks to the pandemic that erased most social activities, limited interaction with family and friends, and changed “normal” with a “new normal.” But for Chad Ciszewski, 2020 was the continuation of a healing process that truly never ends when life loss involves loved ones. Chad sat down with our Michael Hughes in April to share his story, and because the message is so strong, we thought our readers would enjoy this piece again today.)
Life is a teacher of lessons, from the value of hard work to the importance of preparation. It also teaches you how to deal with grief, an inescapable fact that all must deal with.
No one knows this more than Wheeling’s Chad Ciszewski. The Wheeling Park graduate has fought through the grief of losing a loved one more times than someone his age should bear.
Life, if you are listening, he’s got the memo. Topic covered. Time to update the lesson plans.
It started when he turned 20 and lost his father. He’s not the first son to lose his dad early, but that didn’t make processing the loss any easier. He became angry and felt cheated, as many do. It took a while to work through his grief, but the young Ciszewski pushed through it. He finally got back to being the humorous, fun-loving guy his friends had come to know and love.
Fighting Forward
He earned a degree in the computer science field from West Liberty in 2007 and began a tech career that took him from working with Bayer in Robinson, Pa., to Senior Network Engineer status at Sierra w/o Wires in 2013. His professional life was proceeding quite nicely, but something was missing. Companionship.
Leave it to his mother to find his special someone for him, and she did it at Jamboree in the Hills of all places. Ciszewski’s mother informed him she’d met someone he might be interested in. Hesitant to accede to his mom’s matchmaking skills, he reluctantly added one Lia Hummingbird on Facebook and sent her a message. They first met in person during August of 2013. Seven months later, the two moved in together in the Pittsburgh suburb of Dravosburg. A month later, Ciszewski had “seen enough” and popped the question. The two were engaged. Side note: Never doubt a mother’s intuition.
They married in May of 2015, a month after the pair purchased their first home together in White Oak. They never imagined it would be their last one together.
It’s been a rough year or so for you. Your wife was diagnosed with cancer; then you two conceive, and your son is born. Things are going well, but then she takes a turn for the worse and passes well before his first birthday. Not only do you lose the love of your life and the mother of your child, but soon afterward you experience more loss in the deaths of your maternal grandmother and Lia’s sister. Can anything in your life prepare you for the emotional toll that takes?
We tried for a child, but had no luck. We went to a fertility clinic, and that is where they discovered the cyst on Lia’s ovary. They operated, removed that, she did three rounds of chemo, and in February of 2018 we started IVF. We found out we were pregnant with Declan in March of 2018. We actually did genetic testing, which allowed us to pick the best embryo and the sex of our child. I left my job at Reed Smith and accepted a position with Check Point Software as a Pre-Sales Engineer in May of 2018. This was great because it was 100% work from home and allowed me to be there a bit more for Lia. We had Declan in December of 2018 after a LONG pregnancy because of the shots, hormones, etc. Lia started feeling a pain in her back in about October, but we all chalked it up to being pregnant. In true fashion, Lia was in labor for about 47 hours before they took her in for a C-Section. In January of 2019 we started really sensing something was wrong. I went away on a work conference in the beginning of February and Lia went to her PCP, where they did a CT scan and noticed her lymph nodes in her abdomen were enlarged. They told her to go back to her oncologist and get a contrast CT done. We got the answer the Monday before Valentine’s day that her cancer had metastasized through her lymph nodes, liver and lungs. We spent that week in the hospital for tests, and her surgeon told us to go to the ER. This is where I knew our life was going to change. In April of 2019 Lia was in the hospital, and the team there told her to prepare for the worst. She fought and fought—she wanted nothing more than to be a mother—but unfortunately, she passed on May 20, 2019, four days after our fourth anniversary. I had a binary star named after her and me – Birdski – for our anniversary. She got to have her first Mother’s Day. I bought her a necklace with Declan’s birthstone and picture engraved on it. Her Mom wears that proudly. Unfortunately, my grandmother—my mom’s mom—passed this summer, and in January Lia’s sister, whom I had grown close to during Lia’s illness, passed away as well.
How difficult was it those first few weeks? Is it all just a blur now? Did both sides of your family rally around you to help with the transition? Was that part of the decision to move back to your hometown to be near your support system?
After Lia passed away, I had support from everyone, including her friends, my friends, and her Aunt Angelika became the nanny. My parents were so accommodating, and they allowed Declan, me, and my two dogs to come down for four days a week while I attended church and searched for a home. Sometimes they kicked me out of the funk when I started feeling it; those who love you don’t mince words. My in-laws are amazing – shout out to Linda, J.D. and Cara. I became closer with her father than I ever thought I would. I love Lia’s mother as much as I love my own mom. I luckily had an amazing support system at work, and they allowed me to sporadically work throughout her illness. I had time to accept and grieve when Lia was sick. I started therapy in February, when she was diagnosed. I took the loss of my dad when I was 20 very hard. I became angry. I hated. I knew I couldn’t do that this time because I had this 5-month-old boy to look after. It was a blur the first few weeks, but eventually we settled into a new normal. I actually moved back to Wheeling in August to be closer to my family and friends here. My brother and sister-in-law, Trevor and Jenna, have been my rocks throughout this. I would not be able to function without them. The Vineyard, Chris Figaretti and Mike Camden… my men’s group – Rich Bachmenn and Rob Wrenn – I don’t know where I would be without that community. My best friend’s and their girlfriends are more than friends; they are family too. My 20-year reunion from Park was a month after Lia passed away. I have never had the number of people come up to me as I did there and hug me and tell me they were there for me. The way the Valley community gathered around me meant more than anyone could imagine. The amount of support I have gotten from everyone has been overwhelming.
How long did it take you to get into a rhythm? Work, parenting, diapers, doctor appointments? How difficult is it to juggle everything, and did you ever just sit and wonder how you’d get through it all? In those moments, what kept you going?
I think the hardest thing is the fact that I don’t have the born-in maternal instinct that a mother has. If I am doing something, and he cries, I don’t hop to it immediately. I have changed more diapers than probably any other father in the world, being his primary caretaker since he was about 2 months old, but I really didn’t fall into a good groove until Lia passed, and he was around 5 months. Now I can change a diaper while making dinner. The big advantage to all of this is that I have lost around 70 pounds chasing the kid around. But juggling everything is very hard. Fortunately, my mother-in-law is very involved in Declan’s life. And Jenna is always there for backup. I am very lucky to have met an amazing babysitter, Caterina, who has become a member of my family. I have missed appointments because of being sick and not having backup, or him being sick. I try to get out at least once a week just to get a break and de-stress, usually going to Abbey’s with my friends Matt and April (It’s our usual Thursday date.), or stopping over and doing a pop-in to my friends Brett and Danielle’s home and torturing their daughter, but this pandemic has put a stop to that. The biggest issue I am seeing now is, as I dip my toes back in the dating pool, that the person I date and get involved with is the person he will identify with as a mother figure. And that must be understood and explained. But I will never let him forget and not know who his birth mother was. Linda takes him for a walk at the cemetery where Lia and Tara are buried every time she has him. I gave Lia’s family the plot next to Lia for Tara to be buried with her sister, and we can let Declan figure out what to do with me; it’s the least he can do for his old man.
As people age, most can’t recall any memories prior to between the ages of 4-6. How do you plan to keep Lia’s memory alive for Declan as he grows older? Do you have a lot of photos and videos? Does he still ask about her now, or has he gotten used to mommy’s not being there? Not that you ever really can get used to something like that.
Unfortunately, Declan was only 5 months old when Lia passed away. He won’t have any memories of her other than the ones that her parents, siblings, my parents, siblings, and I provide for him. I do try to tell him stories about her every night when I put him to bed and encourage anyone that puts him to bed to do the same. I have many videos, pictures and stories of her as does anyone that knew her. Lia loved music. I have a decent vinyl collection; we usually spend our nights listening to music or watching videos on YouTube. I sing to him every morning. Lia was the musician; I’m a sad knockoff, but I try. She wanted that to be something in his life; she played the guitar to him while he was in the womb with me joining in at times. I want him to be exposed to that as well. I bought him a baby drum set for his first birthday (My dad played drums.) so he can be around instruments early.
Given all you’ve gone through, what advice would you give someone else going through a similar situation, whether they’ve always been a single parent or it was unexpectedly thrust upon them, as is your case?
Breathe. You put your pants on the same way you did the day before. Especially in days like today, with the pandemic going on, it’s easy to get stressed out and be angry, but it’s not worth it, and it’s not going to accomplish anything. I lived this same life last year, being stuck at home, because of Lia’s illness. If anyone is having issues, they can reach out to me. I have no problem with that because, at the end of the day, we are still here, and the only thing we can do is live our lives the way the ones we lost would want us to. We can raise our children to be the best versions of us as long as we are positive.
