(Publisher’s Note: This is the first in a series of “FAKE NEWS satires that will publish each Sunday evening on LEDE News.)
The owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates has proposed a Class AAAA level to the minor-league feeder system that develops future big-league players for Major League Baseball.
Robin Nothing, the chairman of Pittsburgh’s historic baseball franchise since 2005, explained that while his 10-team league recommendation would reduce MLB to 20 ballclubs, the reduction in salaries would better fit his future business model for the Pirates.
“These players just want too much for being successful just three out of 10 times when they hit, and for catching a baseball with a padded glove. I’m pretty sure we could find trained monkeys to do those things,” Nothing said. “Plus, this new minor-league level could be like the refining school that my friend’s daughter attended after high school. That refining really gets them ready.”
The Cincinnati Reds is only club of the 10 Nothing proposed that has a projected team salary for the 2021 season over $100 million, but Cleveland ($24 million) and Pittsburgh ($38 million) are scheduled to pay the least. The Pirates have reduced their payroll during recent offseasons by trading pitcher Joe Musgrove, first baseman Josh Bell to the Washington Nationals, and Jameson Taillon to the New York Yankees.
In each transaction, Pittsburgh received low-level prospects.
“It doesn’t matter to me if our fans have never heard of those players because prospects increase their optimism,” Nothing claimed. “That’s why they come to PNC Park. Our fans would rather watch our ongoing rebuilding experiment and that’s why they are OK with paying higher ticket prices every year.
“If you take a walk in the main concourse this season, you’ll see more people in the lines for food and merchandise than people actually watching the game,” he said. “So, what’s that tell you?”
Wins and Losses
The Pirates qualified for National League Wild Card games from 2013-2015, but since the franchise has traded away outfielders Andrew McCutcheon and Starling Marte, pitchers Gerrit Cole and Charlie Morton, and infielders Pedro Alvarez, and Neil Walker.
Since then, the Pirates have compiled a 323-383 record while finishing no higher in the National League Central Division. In 2019, Pittsburgh finished fifth with a 69-93 record, and finished last in last year’s abbreviated season with a 19-41 mark.
“That’s why a fourth class makes so much sense right now in the majors, and keep in mind we’re talking about one of the highest levels of baseball in the world,” Nothing offered. “That’s why we have been discussing adding a giant ferris wheel in the outfield so our patrons can have a $5 steamed hot dog and see some of the game or the Allegheny River from up there.
“We’re always trying to improve what we offer the people while they are spending time away from their seats,” he added. “From what we have seen from the video footage, it seems like most people spend the majority of their time that way after they come through the gate. Go figure, right?”
Nothing surrender the Pittsburgh organization in the proposal, and also recommended the Detroit, Baltimore, Miami, Kansas City, Oakland, Milwaukee, and Arizona franchises to join Cleveland and the Reds in the Class AAAA system. How the new level in the minors would be aligned was not included in the press release.
Pirates General Manager Sven Barrington and MBL Commissioner Boris Fredman could not be reached for comment.
