(Publisher’s Note: This is another article in this FAKE NEWS satirical series, and this one is rated PG-13 for the single use of profanity in reference to poop.)
CHARLESTON, W.Va. – West Virginia’s governor has been a big fan of using props he feels make a point during press conferences, and this evening’s unexpected press briefing was no exemption.
Gov. James Justified called the press conference for the signing of legislation that immediately legalized the use of recreational marijuana in the Mountain State. Moments later, he revealed a large, silver server dish. When he lifted the lid, there was a large marijuana cigarette known as a “Joint.”
“Today, West Virginia moves forward,” Justified said while holding the marijuana cigarette. “And starting today, everyone who lives in West Virginia will feel better about where they live.”
Justified then signed the legalization into law and ignited the “joint” with a Bic lighter, took a drag, and apparently inhaled. Upon releasing the smoke from his mouth and nostrils, the governor said, “Now that’s some good shit right there.”
In a bi-partisan vote in both the House of Delegates and the state Senate, recreational marijuana use was approved by wide margins in the two chambers. The state will now establish a selling system connected to the medical cannabis initiative that has finally begun following a three-year delay. Additional vendors, according to the legislation, will be added over the next two years.
When in full effect, recreational marijuana is projected to generate at least $300 million for the state’s coffers. With today’s signing, however, marijuana officially has been decriminalized in West Virginia.
“Not only will we solve the long-term budget the state has had, but legalizing this product will significantly increase our buying power when it comes to improving our infrastructure and the services we provide for our residents,” said Justified after he took a second drag of the cigarette. “And it’s going to be very successful because there’s no better place in the world to grow the best ganja.”
Local Reaction
Del. Dawn Truharty (D-3rd) has long supported both medicinal and recreational marijuana use in the Mountain State and was the primary sponsor for House Bill 420, but the lawmaker was surprised with the governor’s newest prop because of Justified’s opposition to the proposals since being initially elected in 2016.
“Even though the governor did ignore me when I would inform of the revenue projections, I did believe there was a chance he was a pothead,” she said. “I remember when I first thought it was possible. When the governor called himself a grizzly bear and said that he was going to eat a puppy, I wondered what he had to be smoking to come up with that.
“But see, now the governor wants to eliminate all taxes in the state, and it appears he thinks weed is going to do the trick,” Truharty explained. “Justified has been against marijuana from the beginning. Funny how politics work, now isn’t it?”
Del. Erik Burch (R-3rd) said while he supports Gov. Justified, his antics during the press conference surprised him.
“I’ve had a lot of conversations with the governor, and never has he asked me if cannabis is popular in the Northern Panhandle, so I am not sure how to gage his sudden enthusiasm for reefer sales in our state. When the bill passed in the House, I was a ‘Yes’ vote but at the same time I expected the governor to veto it because he’s been so staunchly against pot.
“I’m just glad the governor waited to light the joint until after he signed recreational use in law so one of the troopers didn’t have to arrest him for pot possession,” he added. “When he did that French inhale or exhale thing where it goes from your mouth to your nose? Well, I think that replay will be on the national news because it kind of told a separate story.”
Following the press conference, Gov. Justified referred all questions to his co-chiefs of staff Pedro Marin and Tommy Man.
