(Publisher’s Note: This is the second in a series of “FAKE NEWS satires that will publish each Sunday evening on LEDE News.)
Exotic dancer Windy Delight, the same woman who has been involved in court battles with former president Eddie Felson over the past five years, was discovered late Saturday evening trapped in a secret room in an area of the White House residence that has served as a walk-in dressing room for past commanders-in-chief.
According to an anonymous source not authorized to discuss the discovery, First Lady Stephanie Striden heard odd noises in a hallway near the presidential bedroom, but when she reported it to on-duty Secret Service agents, the initial belief was that small rats had infiltrated the area of the White House because of remaining fast food cheeseburger wrappers left behind by the former president and his administration members.
“We are still finding those yellow wrappers all over this place,” the anonymous source revealed. “Behind desks, under carpets, behind paintings, and the HVAC vent directly behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office was packed with those wrappers to the point to where there was no airflow.”
But once the agents referred to blueprints of the residence, it was quickly determined an entire White House room had been cosmetically hidden. The presidential bedroom, according to the design released by the White House, is situated on the east side of the second floor, and a dressing room is attached in the rendering.
The Secret Service located Delight only after triggering what is thought to be a secret locking and unlocking mechanism.
“The trigger for the hidden doorway was connected to a MAGA ballcap that was on a shelf next to it, and no one really knows why that hat wasn’t removed when the new First Family moved in,” the source said. “Once the agents entered the room, they found Ms. Delight weeping while sitting on a king-size bed. There were lights on and running water and a small refrigerator, but that’s about it.
“She was wearing a Secret Service sweatsuit at the time she was recovered, but there were some of her performance costumes hanging on the rack in there,” the source revealed. “There wasn’t a cable-connected television or clock or cell phone, and the room didn’t have any windows. What that means is she had no real way of knowing the time of day or what day it was after Delight had been there for an extended period.”
Delight told the agents at Walter Reed Hospital that former President Felson had told her the camouflaged room was the infamous Marilyn Monroe suite originally created by the 35th POTUS.
“We’d watch a lot of TV when he would visit, and he always told me that someday I would be able to live in the Queen’s bedroom where Sarah was,” the source said Delight told the agents. “But then he told me he lost the election and that they would have to move out. He said he would sneak me out just like he sneaked me in.
“But one night, he came in and said, ‘Tomorrow is the day,’ and that’s when he dropped a McDonald’s bag of cheeseburgers on the bed and left,” she reportedly said. “When I finished the last cheeseburger, that’s when I started pounding on the wall, and now I find out it was almost two weeks.”
President Striden released the following statement: “Of course, we were saddened by the fact Ms. Delight was left behind, but she also seemed optimistic about making a book deal describing the whole ordeal. We plan to make sure that she gets the help she needs to fully recover and that she gets the justice she deserves.”
Messages left for former President Felson had not been returned by press time.
