I’ve always had rules for my kids to keep them safe.
As they got older, we substituted riding in the buggy at stores for walking beside it. Then it became, “If I can put my arms out and not touch you, you’re too far away.”
Since they were three, I’ve told them if someone grabs them to yell, “This is not my mom!” or “This is not my dad!”, and “Help!” I’ve taught them to bite, scratch, kick, spit; I’ve said to do whatever you have to do to keep someone from taking you.
When they became old enough to go look at things in the store without me, I insisted they go together. In bigger stores, I started playing “Marco Polo.” I would yell “Marco!” and wait for their “Polo!” for a couple of reasons. One, I wanted them to know where I was. Two, I wanted to know where they were. And, maybe most importantly, I needed to know that people pay attention when you’re screaming in a store. Nowadays, my girls are becoming young women, but I still talk to them about paying attention to their surroundings. “Trust your gut. Better safe than sorry.”
It’s sad that I have to bring this up. They know the risks because we talk about rape culture a lot in my house. We have conversations about how guys can dress one way at school and girls have a much stricter dress code. We talk about how women are told they deserve being raped because how they dressed like they were “asking for it.” We talk about how gross it makes them feel when they can’t walk into a store without AT LEAST one man staring at their boobs and butts.
Toy in a Happy Meal
See, my daughters are pretty. And they’re young women who enjoy exploring makeup styles and wearing the latest trends. They spend hours doing and redoing their hair and makeup. But they don’t even want to wear makeup to the stores because every single time there’s a man there who stares at them like they’re a toy in a Happy Meal. Twice, my oldest has gotten in the car after shopping and cried hysterically because the way men stared had scared her and made her feel “gross.”
And here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter what they’re wearing. They can be in sweats and a hoodie and still be made to feel as if they’re some dude’s dessert.
Most times I don’t notice the men. I’m usually busy in the stores, having my attention drawn to the never-ending list of wants and needs from two teen girls, so I don’t really pay attention to who’s looking. Plus, I’m not the kind of woman who men really look at so it’s not in my head. But yesterday, as we were walking through the parking lot, there was a very old man in a van. He was so old and in poor health that he could barely sit up in the car seat, but I caught him looking at my daughter when we walked by. And he didn’t just look at her. No, he stared at her with such a longing in his eyes that it was sickening. And the gross old man licked his lips. My daughter was looking down at her phone and didn’t notice, so I didn’t mention it.
Later that night, I took to Facebook and explained what happened. I let the men know that I was especially interested in their opinion as to what I should do to keep men from ogling my daughters. And you know what? Five men out of hundreds had responded as of an hour ago. Five. Men. That’s disappointing and very telling, in my opinion.
Keep Women Safe
The general consensus seems to be that if you’re a female or the mother of a female, you’ve had to deal with this. Women are the ones with the suggestions and the understanding because, once again, we’re the ones faced with it. And this cannot be only a woman’s responsibility! Men HAVE to start holding men accountable for their actions. I refuse to tell my daughter that she can’t wear a tank-top to the store because grown-ass men do not know how to control their sexual impulses. Period.
I have to figure out how to handle this, as a woman, because in our society it’s the woman’s responsibility to control how men react to them. It’s time that we demand action from men to help keep our women safe. We have to change the mindset of rape culture because I will do everything I can to make sure when it comes to my girls that it’s … #NotThemToo.
Start having these conversations. Stop accepting it as typical male behavior. Keep us women safe.
Onward,
Amy Jo
