When I was a kid, one of the first lessons I remember was my parents saying: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
It was a rule of thumb for classrooms, playgrounds, church pews, and Sunday dinner. My grandmother used to shake her pointer finger on her left hand (she was a leftie) while saying it to me or my brothers. Teachers, trying to maintain peace between children who were bickering because someone called someone else a name, would say it, probably more than they would have liked. The phrase was not just a way to hush trouble. It was a value. It was a guidepost for how we treat one another, rooted in basic decency and kindness.
Lately, it feels like we have forgotten that wisdom.
Turn on the news. Scroll social media. Attend a public meeting. Run for office. There is no way to more quickly thicken one’s skin than to run for office. Read the comments on the newspaper’s Facebook page. You will see insults hurled with zero hesitation, sarcasm wielded like a weapon, and personal attacks flying faster than facts.
And the language!
I read a word on a Facebook post that stopped me in my tracks, and I have been known to use colorful language. Our culture has shifted. We have become quicker to criticize and a lot more hesitant to compliment. Instead of pausing to think, “Is this kind?” I am left wondering do we even ask, “How many likes will this get?” or do we just roll out the most savage of comments?
It appears as though we are rewarded for outrage, not civility.
Of course, there is a difference between staying silent on important issues and choosing to speak kindly. If you cannot say something nice does not mean we should be doormats. It should not mean we ignore wrongdoing or bite our tongues when truth needs to be spoken. But even the hard truths can be delivered with grace.
There is a reason “tone” matters. There is a reason most people remember not just what you said, but how you made them feel.
Somewhere along the line, being “honest” became confused with being mean. Telling it like it is now comes with a cruel edge. Snark became celebrated. Entire entertainment genres are built on mocking others. It is no wonder why so few people are afraid to speak up, to lead, to serve.
We do not need another permission slip to be unkind. We need reminders that civility still matters.
Let’s start with politics, for example. It has become normal, actually expected even, for candidates and supporters to rip their opponents to shreds. Forget debates on ideas or policies. What gets the attention are the personal jabs, the schoolyard nicknames, the viral zingers. What used to be beneath us is now front and center. However, this vitriol does not just come from politicians with whom they may disagree, their constituents and even those completely unrelated to the situation are quick to pile on, too.
When did we become so comfortable tearing people down?
More importantly, what are we losing when we do?
We are losing our compassion. We are losing our patience. We are losing our ability to listen, to really listen. We are losing our ability to discuss, to really have a conversation with someone who thinks differently than we do. We are raising a generation of kids who think the loudest voice wins, who may never know the quiet strength of restraint or the power of kindness.
And, sadly, we are losing trust in one another. It is hard to trust someone who is always looking for a fight. It is hard to build community when we are constantly in critique mode. It is hard to create when everything is ridiculed.
What if we tried something different?
What if we paused before we posted? Thought before we typed? What if we considered how our words might land, not just whether they were clever, but whether they were constructive? What if we praised more than we picked apart?
What if we remembered that the people we are criticizing are, in fact, people with families, feelings, and full lives we know nothing about? So many people just jump right in and go for the jugular.
Maybe we are all a little weary.
Life is heavy. The world is loud. Everyone is tired, and sometimes anger feels easier than grace.
But the old adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” was not about avoidance. It was about discipline. Emotional intelligence. Self-awareness. It meant knowing when your comment was not going to help anything, and choosing to hold it.
It meant seeing the value in silence.
There is a reason this phrase endured for generations. It works. When we choose not to escalate, things do not spiral. When we choose kindness, we create safety. When we resist the urge to lash out, we make space for progress.
This is not about being fake. It is about being decent. Let’s bring back that decency. Let’s normalize complimenting someone publicly without an ulterior motive. Let’s start catching people doing good instead of catching them making mistakes. Let’s let our kids hear us disagree respectfully. Let’s teach them how to debate, civilly. Let them watch us walk away from online arguments.
Let them see us choose kindness over cruelty, humility over humiliation.
Because kindness is not weakness. It is courage. In a world that has forgotten how to be nice, maybe the most rebellious thing you can do is simply be kind.
Wow! Such infinite wisdom Errika