We have all heard it, “Just be nice.” It is the sort of advice you give a child headed to school or a coworker about to meet the new boss or a new coworker.
It is easy to say. It is quick to make a post on social media using five-dollar words and a fancy font. It is universally approved. After all, who’s against niceness?
Nobody, so they say.
But the uncomfortable truth is that “just be nice” feels radical in today’s culture and is a sign that something deeper is broken. Niceness is supposed to be the baseline of human interaction, not the finish line. If we have to beg people to be nice, then our shared sense of decency has already eroded.
Niceness is surface-level. It is smiling at the cashier. It may be holding the door open, or saying “bless you” when someone sneezes. Those are good things, wonderful, even, but they are not the same as kindness, respect, or moral courage.
Niceness is a coat of paint.
We live in a time where public discourse has gotten so coarse, and self-interest so dominant, that merely behaving with minimal courtesy can feel like a virtue. That is not a compliment to us as a society. It is a warning sign.
Think about it. The rules of polite behavior are meant to be assumed, like stopping at a red light. We do not clap for people who stop at red lights because it is the expected, safe, normal thing to do. But lately, a person who smiles instead of scowls, listens instead of interrupts, or refrains from cruel comments online feels almost like a hero. We have lowered the bar so far that clearing it does not even require a leap, just barely a shuffle.
This lowering of expectations shows up everywhere. In politics, candidates are praised for “staying civil” during debates, as if not shouting insults across the stage should earn applause. In customer service, a shopper who does not berate an employee for a small mistake is acknowledged as unusually gracious. On social media, someone who offers a calm, reasoned response in a sea of outrage is instantly labeled “refreshing.” These are small blessings in an otherwise crazy world.
But they also serve as reminders of how abrasive our default mode has become.
Here is the problem. Niceness alone will not solve anything. You can “be nice” while ignoring injustice. You can “be nice” while enabling harmful behavior. You can “be nice” while never once challenging the systems or attitudes that hurt others. A society where niceness replaces accountability is a society where nothing truly changes.
Historically, social progress has been driven not by niceness, but by courage, honesty, and persistence. The civil rights movement did not succeed because everyone was nice. It succeeded because people were brave enough to be uncomfortable, to challenge power, and to risk their own comfort for the sake of others.
Niceness can make interactions pleasant. Courage makes them meaningful.
Part of the reason we cling to niceness as the ultimate goal is that it is easy. It does not demand sacrifice or confrontation. It is a feel-good fix that requires nothing more than polite behavior in the moment. Real kindness, on the other hand, requires empathy and action. Respect requires listening to people with whom we disagree. Justice requires looking at our own role in the systems that harm others.
These things are harder, and sometimes they do not feel “nice” at all.
The danger of mistaking niceness for goodness is that it lets us off the hook. If we have been polite, we can feel morally satisfied without actually engaging with the needs of the world. We can say “I am a nice person” while ignoring the coworker being bullied, or the neighbor being treated unfairly, or the public policy that hurts the most vulnerable in our community.
Niceness can be a shield against feeling responsible.
What would it look like if we raised the bar? If “be nice” was where we started, not where we stopped? It might mean asking more questions instead of making assumptions. It might mean speaking up when it is uncomfortable. It might mean disagreeing without demeaning, and listening without retreating into our own comfort zones.
It might mean trading the easy warmth of politeness for the deeper warmth of genuine care.
Niceness is fine. It is pleasant. It oils the gears of everyday life, but it is not enough. The fact that it feels like enough should make us pause. A healthy society does not have to be reminded to “just be nice.” It builds systems, habits, and expectations where decency is assumed, and where kindness, respect, and justice are the true goals.
Because when we aim only for niceness, we risk building a world that looks polite on the surface but leaves the deeper problems untouched.
And that’s not a world worth settling for.
