The following meeting between Donald Trump and Kevin Warren, commissioner of the Big Ten, DID NOT TAKE PLACE early last week, but if it had, this is the way I imagine it would have gone in Warren’s office.
Warren’s secretary over the intercom: Mr. Warren, Donald Trump is here for his 11 o’clock appointment.
Warren: Very well, Mrs. Obama. Show him in. No! Wait a minute. Is he masked?
Obama: No sir.
Warren: He doesn’t come in here without a mask.
Obama: He says he left it in the limo.
Warren: Tell him either to get it himself or send one of the secret service guys to get it.
Obama: He sent one of the guys, but he’s really upset.
Warren: Do you think I care? We’re in the middle of a pandemic. Let me know when he’s masked.
20 Minutes Pass …
Obama: He’s ready, sir.
Warren: Send him in.
Trump enters the office with his right hand extended: Kevin, it’s nice to meet you.
Warren: It’s Mr. Warren to you, Donnie. And put your hand down. Dr. Fauci said we’re not supposed to shake hands because of COVID-19, or haven’t you heard?
Trump: Don’t pay any attention to Fauci. He’s an old man. Can I take this mask off now? It’s hot.
Warren: If the mask comes off, you leave.
Trump: All right.
Warren: Ok, sit down and tell me why you are here, but don’t take too long. I’ve got a conference to run.
Trump (sits): Okay, I’ll get right to it. I’m busy, too, you know?
Warren: Oh yeah. What do you do?
Trump (indignantly): I’m the president of the United States!
Warren: As I said, what do you do?
Trump (mutters): Whatever. Well, the reason I’m here is to talk with you about canceling football in the Big Ten this season. Do you realize how many fans you have disappointed? To say nothing about the players! Did you read my tweet?
Warren: What’s a tweet?
Trump: You must be joking!
Warren: All right, I know what Twitter is, but I don’t pay much attention to it. What was your tweet?
Trump: It was just a request for you to reverse the ruling to take football away from all the Big Ten fans this season. I don’t know who you think you are, but there are thousands upon thousands of people who are very disappointed about not having their teams play this fall.
Warren: Well, who do you think you are to come in here and ask me to change my mind about a ruling I have already made? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. Just how many teams do you think I have to oversee in the Big Ten?
Trump: Ten, of course.
Warren: No, Donnie, it’s 14, and for your information, 11 of those schools voted to cancel the season. What would you have me do?
Trump: Well, that’s easy. Just veto the decision. That’s what I always do when I don’t like something people push on me.
Warren: You are probably good at that but let me ask you a question. You come in here and proclaim you are the president of United States. Now I can’t quarrel with that because I’ve seen you on TV, what little I can stand of it. But in case you don’t know it, you have a country rapidly crumbling around you. More than 1,000 Americans are dying every day because of a virus that’s raging out of control. Rioting and looting are plaguing some of your cities, and in others some white police officers are preying upon unarmed black men.
Trump: All right. The things you mention aren’t really problems, but they really aren’t any of your business anyhow. Let me ask you what you do.
Warren: I really don’t have the time to talk with you about this, but I have to deal daily with 14 college presidents and 14 athletics directors. For example, one school administration wants to build a huge wall around the campus to keep other football teams from getting in. Its team is so bad that the administration is afraid someone will get injured.
Trump: Well, I can understand the wall. Some of that worked for me for a while. But you still haven’t told me why you took away football in that conference you run.
Warren: Why are you so interested in football when your country is in shambles?
Trump: I love football because it reminds me of my playing days in the Big 10.
Warren: Really? I didn’t realize that the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania was a Big 10 school.
Trump: I know it’s not. Do you think I’m dumb? My football career came after the Wharton School.
Warren: The answer to your question is yes. And which Big 10 team did you play for?
Trump: All 10 of them. At Michigan I scored three touchdowns to beat Ohio State. The next year I transferred to Ohio State and scored four TDs in a victory over Michigan. The following year, I enrolled at Penn State, where I …
Warren (interrupts and stands behind his desk): You lunatic, I don’t know why I ever agreed to this meeting. My decision stands. Now get the hell out of my office before I call security. Go back to Washington and try to do something constructive for the country before you’re voted out of office in a few months.
Trump (gets up, starts toward the door, then stops, turns around): Just think of all those fans who are going to be disappointed.
Warren: It is what it is!
