I was scrolling through Facebook the other day, minding my own business, when I came across a post about a “Muffins With Mom” event at a friend’s local school. My friend Amy was simply stating that those types of events were hard for some kids and used her own family’s experience to make the point. I had full intention of scrolling past, but then, as I was scanning the comments, I hit my brakes.
Parents from two-parent households began confronting her because they didn’t see anything wrong with it. First came the declaration that it had been changed to “Special Person’s Day” so anyone could go. Then someone said the kiddos without a special person were taken through the donut/muffin line first and sat at a table with a teacher. One woman even went so far as to say that the event only lasted 15 minutes and she was sure the author could have still made it to work on time. And then, inevitably, came the mention of the book fairs. Ahh…the book fairs.
Now, if you have never been the child who didn’t get to shop at the book fair, the one who stays in their classroom and works while their peers bring in bags of books and dollar store trinkets, then I don’t know if you understand why sitting in the classroom “works” or is “okay” but still sucks. If you’ve never been the child who doesn’t have a special person to eat donuts/muffins with (or have never been the parent who can’t make it) then I don’t know if you understand that “it’s just 15 minutes” is a pretty callous response.
Then came the predictable cries of outrage that our kids deserve things, too, and it’s not our fault that a family doesn’t have what we have, both of which are one hundred percent true. But it seems to be our nature these days to not want to expand our empathy or understanding, and it’s usually the people with the privilege of not being that child or parent who will be kinda pissed off by my perspective (but here it is anyway).
We have the tendency to approach issues of equity from this lower-level thinking that being inclusive and equitable is a threat to those of us who don’t need those things. So what if, instead of assuming that people want the events canceled, we start thinking about how they can be redesigned. What if, for instance, instead of sitting in a group with a teacher, the children were given the option of having roles, something to help them feel as if they’re just as much of the celebration as every other kid? Let them stand out in a different way. Empower them to turn situations around. And the book fair…same thing. Ask community stakeholders to sponsor a shopping trip so the child can shop with their peers.
Now, some of you are going to roll your eyes at me, and that’s fine; I’m used to it (parent of two teens here; eye rolls don’t even phase me anymore). But what I’m really wanting is for us to start breaking down this emotional reflex reaction we have to protect our own and to hell with the rest. I feel it’s the responsibility of everyone who makes the rules and plans the events to model compassion and equity, making it the norm rather than the exception.
And this goes much further than a school cafeteria. What if we lived and worked in communities that strived for equity? Okay, wait a minute. Let’s start here: “Equality” is when everyone has the same opportunities and resources because everyone is treated the same way. “Equity” is recognizing that everyone has their unique set of circumstances which may require additional resources to access those opportunities created by equality. Let me give you an example.
Equality is painting curbs blue on one side of a one-way city street to designate handicapped parking. Equity is designating spots on both sides of the street so people entering or exiting a vehicle from the passenger side don’t have to place their wheelchair in oncoming traffic. See the difference? The designated parking allowed for equal access, but it wasn’t equitable because some- notice, not all, but some- people with mobility issues still had obstacles blocking that access.
Our lives will be enriched when we begin to examine our world and explore how it can be redesigned through an equity lens. No matter the issue, whether we’re talking about a special person’s day, book fair, food stamps, childcare, or accessibility, more people will have enriched lives if we strive for equity, and enriched lives enrich communities. Heck, equitable communities last longer and are better for us than muffins and donuts anyway. *wink*
Onward,
Amy Jo
