One of the most common questions I used to be asked was “where do you find poor people?”
The first few times filled me with this bewildered amazement because I thought they were joking. And then, as it became commonplace for people to ask me this, I began telling them to look in laundromats and soup kitchens while mentally dismissing them. I mean, who honestly doesn’t know someone who’s struggling financially, right?
And then it suddenly dawned on me one day that for so many poor folks, hiding our poverty is one of our talents, so no wonder it’s hard for some to imagine that we’re right in front of their faces.
“I’ve never told anyone this, but….”
I’ve received a lot of messages and emails in the past two weeks, but it’s the ones with that declaration that stick to me. It’s the women telling me that they don’t know why they’re telling me their stories who impact me the most. It’s as if we are so hungry for someone to notice and validate our struggles that we’re overflowing with relief that someone finally has. I am filled with gratitude and love and heartbreak all at the same time because I know the secrets of the struggle.
The Stigma
You don’t want anyone to know that you’re hungry. Or that you can’t afford your phone bill. Or that the one blessing of your phone being turned off is that the bill collectors can’t call anymore before payday.
You don’t want them to know that you don’t know how you’re going to get to work for the rest of the week because you don’t have gas money. Or that you just lied to the receptionist at the doctor’s office about forgetting your purse because you don’t have the co-pay and your kid is sick.
Or that you’re couch surfing. Or that your family is living with relatives because once they know, then you assume things will be said. You’re convinced that you’ll either be told that you need to learn to save money or get a better job. People will start questioning the quality of your clothes and phone; they’ll mention that your nails are done or compliment the jewelry you’re wearing, all in an attempt to let you know that they don’t believe “poor” and “well dressed” should be used in the same sentence.
Hiding.
And once you hear those things so many times, that your family doesn’t deserve the same luxuries as everyone else because you don’t have a lot of money, you begin to internalize them and hide parts of yourself from the outside world. You know, there’s nothing to see here; everything is fine, and you carry that load all alone.
There’s a toxic stress that comes with poverty that people don’t want to acknowledge, and I’m sure a huge part of it is keeping your struggles silent. I mean, who do you vent to when your child screams that they’re tired of being the kid who has to tell the coach/teacher/friend that they have to wait until payday?
Who can you talk to about a pair of shoes for your kid or a loan for gas money? About utilities getting shut off?
And yet so many of us are dealing with these issues. I’ve been hearing for years the majority of us are two paychecks away from homelessness. I don’t know if those facts sink in all the time, but I do know that there are millions of us doing the paycheck-to-paycheck challenge … and we’re doing it in silence because the world is harsh and punitive.
Those with financial resources are often certain that lack of money equates with carelessness and poor spending habits, so maybe we should start treating the lack of money less like a character defect and more like a result of a system that is failing.
Onward,
Amy Jo
