Well, COVID—19 has changed our lives to the point that we have lost a number of things that we took for granted. Major League baseball is in jeopardy right now because of the number of players already infected, but although I enjoyed baseball during the summer, this is the time of year I always look forward with eager anticipation to the return of college football. At present some smaller colleges already have canceled their seasons, and some major schools have decided to drop non-conference opponents from their schedules.
Attendance at games is another matter entirely. Ohio Stadium has a seating capacity of 104,944 and jamming that many people together in one place is not exactly practicing social distancing. The current plan is to allow about 20,000 fans in on game day, and that will leave more than 83,000 empty seats. Won’t that be fun? Part of the enjoyment of watching college football on television is seeing the color and excitement the crowd contributes to the whole atmosphere. But if there are any games at all, there will be announcers, and you never know what outrageously entertaining things they might say.
As one who spent his professional career attempting to teach college students the finer points of the English language, I always enjoyed pointing out to them the mistakes that professional radio and television announcers make during their broadcasts. But even more amusing than the myriad errors to be found on the daily airwaves (One of my favorites was when one local weather forecaster gave tips on how to “unthaw” frozen pipes.) are the ridiculous statements sports reporters make while they are calling a football game.
Literal Interpretation
As you read through the following examples, please keep in mind that they are not isolated incidents. These are statements that I have heard various announcers make time and time again throughout the years. In fact, some of them have been repeated so often that they can be considered sports announcers’ clichés. Or perhaps calling them hyperbolic sports speak is more accurate. No matter what you call it, the fun is when you apply a literal interpretation to some of the things they say.
When they are talking about a team comprising a lot of young players, announcers often make comments and predictions about how the team will fare in the coming months or years. However, the ultimate statement about what to expect from a team is the following perceptive observation: “Their future is ahead of them.” Is there ever a time when the future is behind something? I think not!
Throughout football broadcasts the announcers constantly analyze what each team needs to do in order to win. Some networks even include graphics with various keys to victory posed by the announcers. These often include things like “taking care of the ball,” “avoiding turnovers,” “controlling the clock,” and “being able to run the football.” However, all of these so-called victory keys pale beside this erudite statement: “The team that scores the most points will win the game.” I spent a great deal of time trying to recall an occasion when the team that scored the most points lost the game. And I just can’t do it.
This next example may be the most common one, and I seriously doubt that anyone who watches football on television hasn’t heard it on countless occasions. When the quarterback drops back for a pass, and his protection is particularly good, the announcer will often say, “He has all day to throw the ball.” Consider this for a moment. Let’s assume that the offensive lines for both teams are so good that each quarterback “has all day to throw the ball.” The implications are fascinating. One game could go on for days or even weeks as the quarterbacks take “all day to throw the ball.” Can you imagine how long it would take to play a 12- or 16-game schedule?
See with Their Feet?
During the telecast of any football game, you will hear numerous references to various players’ special abilities for running, passing, catching, and kicking the football, but I can honestly say that I had never heard anything like this next observation. The announcers were praising the running prowess of a particular player, but instead of saying how fast he could run or how elusive he was, the announcer came up with this gem: “He runs with his eyes.” Now just think about that one for a minute. If the player is running “with his eyes,” what are his legs and feet doing? And where are they while this “eye-running” is going on? You certainly can’t find many players who can “run with their eyes,” unless, of course, they can see with their feet.
Now I have watched a lot of football games, and I have heard announcers say some very strange things. But I think this one may top all of them. The game was being played during very windy conditions that wreaked havoc with the ball every time it was passed or kicked. The quarterbacks were having trouble completing their passes, and the kickers were struggling to control their punts and make their field goals. Naturally the wind was a key topic for the announcers, and it prompted one of them to offer the following profound conclusion: “Remember that there is more wind on the field than there is in the press box.” Was he implying that perhaps the officials should move the game off the field and into the press box? I realize that many of these stadiums have enormous press boxes, but where would all the reporters and media people go if the game were moved inside where there is less wind?
After considering some of the things I have heard during football game broadcasts throughout the years, I think I may take exception to the announcer who made the statement about the wind. I have certainly watched a number of games where there was a lot more “hot” wind in the press box than there was on the field.
I really hope that we don’t lose our college football because of COVID—19, but right now it doesn’t look promising. Please do your part to help stamp out this disease: wear a mask in public; practice social distancing; wash your hands often; and avoid touching your face.
Thank you!
